When someone loves those parts of us that we despise we recoil. It is uncomfortable. The dissonance is jarring. How could anyone possibly be kind to this? Can they not see the ugliness? How can they possibly hold with compassion this pile of excrement? And our lover is met with the rath of this wound. Barbed wire and razor blades. Words and actions from the depth of pain fired into their love leaving shrapnel in the wake. It is as if we say: You WILL hate me. For then our truth is true: I AM despicable, unworthy of love.
We can say: “See, that part of me is truly awful. I am as awful as I believe. I created that hurt and pain in someone that loves me. I deserve this self-hatred that I am sitting in.” And then we throw ourselves a pity party, wallowing in our sorrow, because we are in fact the most awful human being. We will never be lovable. And we ignore the truth that we are the ones who are continuing to create the dissonance.
Only by forgiving ourselves and loving the blemishes can we break the cycle. Like a child who breaks a vase of flowers, we must treat our selves with grace. Yes, the flowers are destroyed. Yes, the vase is in pieces. Yes, there is a mess to clean up.
We are still loveable. Beautiful. Human. Imperfect and flawed. Growing and learning. Transforming.
Forgive yourself and remove the barbed wire. Then create love. Receive love. Give love.